Mama Of The Month
Meet our second Mama of the Month, Rakhee Mirchandani! Here at TSB, we want to develop a community of supportive, inclusive and strong mamas. Each month we will be featuring a different mama with a unique story. Keep reading to learn all about this July’s Mama, Raakhee.
Mama to Super Satya, editor in chief of Moneyish and self- proclaimed Oprah worshipper, Raakhee Mirchandani is a fierce mama that has taken her journey dealing with her daughter’s pediatric cancer, being an entrepreneur, an author and shared her experiences with us!
Describe your first pregnancy experience. What did you enjoy and not enjoy?
Being pregnant was a slog. I was hot, exhausted + puking on the subway on the regular. I had a seriously unrealistic version of what being pregnant would look like. Pregnancy glow? I was just drenched in sweat for 9 months! But I loved the little things that only I could feel, the kicks, the movement, the signs that she and I were already connected. Before there was the world, there was just us.
What do you wish you knew about the pregnancy, but did not?
I wish I knew how completely bullshit all those photos of women, two weeks postpartum, with flat tummies and blowouts were. I don’t have angelic pregnancy photos; I was swollen and exhausted. There were no flower crowns or a tiny little bump; I was gigantic! But I was also healthy and happy.
Two weeks after I had a baby I was laying in my bed, ice packs on my boobs in some hospital issued mesh underwear. And the furthest thing from my mind was an Instagram filter. I guess what I really wish I knew was that this journey – pregnancy, postpartum + motherhood – is incredibly personal and what works for your bestie or other women, well, it may not work for you.
What were your greatest challenges during your postpartum period?
It was really hard for me to feel like myself. I’m a super active, hyper-focused women who have been hustling since high school. So laying in bed, pumping and crying felt like my body and life had been invaded by an alien life force. My biggest challenge was that my expectations of myself were way too high. I guess they always have been. What I needed to do was be kinder to myself, my body and where I was in life at that time. It all came later, but I sure wish I had gotten to that realization a bit sooner, you know, before I was hysterical on the floor crying because I spilled a bottle of breast milk.
Give us three pieces of advice you would wish to share with other moms, it can be regarding pregnancy or postpartum!
1: Take a night off: Turn off the phone, unplug the pump + cozy up in sweats with a season of “Jane The Virgin”. No one is happy unless mama is happy, t”rust me. And mama needs to unplug every now and again and every stage of this wild ride.
2: Phone a friend: Facebook groups are really helpful, but they do not take the place of the women in your life who’ve done this before. So call a friend, your mama, a maasi or a favorite aunt. Talk through what’s going on and get their perspective. The Internet is a wonderful thing, but it doesn’t replace our network of women who’ve traveled these roads before us.
3: Take notes: Things will pop into your head and really weird times. Sometimes they will be strokes of genius, missives of love to your child, born from a moment you just shared. Write it down. Save it. Your kid will be so happy to read this years from now. I also started an email address for Satya and sent her notes while I was pregnant. (Other times, it might be a question you have for a doctor or something to add to your grocery list. You’ll be glad you wrote those down too. I promise.
What was your first thought when Satya was diagnosed?
“Instead of planning her first birthday party, I thought about her funeral. And I began to imagine a life without her. Satya, the cherub-cheeked little lady we had brought into the world 10 months ago, had just been diagnosed with cancer.
It was Stage 1, she was well under 18 months old and otherwise healthy. As if “otherwise healthy” mattered, the facts were that an MRI showed a tumor sitting between her kidney and aorta, dangerously close to her heart. Our hearts.
Satya’s name came to me in a dream. When I woke up there was only one word on my lips (Satya is Sanskrit for truth). I knew her middle name would be Devi (Sanskrit for goddess) after my grandmother. Our daughter would be Satya Devi Singh, translated it means Truth Goddess Lion. Good luck keeping this kid down, I thought, as I traced the letters over and over on my pregnant belly.”
Continue reading about Satya’s journey with pediatric cancer in Rakhee’s piece for the NY Daily News here.
How did you balance your career while taking care of Satya?
Nothing is ever in balance. Life is a weird disorganized dance and some days I’m a better mother than a journalist, other days I’m a better writer than mama. I’ve made peace with the idea that nothing is ever going to feel calm and balanced. Instead, I try and identify 3 moments of joy in my day – at work or at home, generally a combo of the two – and 3 things I’m grateful for each day. Taking the time to write them down daily has been a life-changing discipline that takes the success of a day beyond it feeling balanced. Was the day joyful? Did something wonderful happen?
Where did the idea for a children’s book come from?
This is from a Vogue piece where I answered this question: https://www.vogue.in/content/rakhee-mirchandani-superhero-book-daughter-cancer
Satya and I are the unofficial spokespeople for our local bookstore, we’re obsessed with it. But at some point, I was like, why aren’t there any books about Indian superheroes? Once I had the thought, it was hard to un-think it. I didn’t mention it to Satya because she hasn’t identified that as a problem in the world and I’m not trying to make problems for her. I set out to write it with an audience of one. I read it to Satya, and she loved it. She kept asking for it. The way she loved it made me think of the books that I loved as a kid growing up in New Jersey: the Ramona Quimby series, the Tinkle comics my aunt would mail me in boxes from India. I would devour those comics, because I was so excited by a cartoon where the names were familiar. I couldn’t help but wonder if it’s because I felt a little bit seen. And then it occurred to me that maybe someone who wasn’t Satya might like the book. What happens when our children open books where they see themselves? Where they don’t have to explain who they are and just exist in communities like everybody else, with their long braids and patkas [that Sikh men wear]? We don’t know.
If you could give parents with children that have an illness, condition or disease one piece of advice, what would it be?
Everyone copes differently, but for us, talking about our experience has really helped us cope.
Do you ever experience mom guilt? What causes this and how do you remedy it (because, we get it, it never really goes away.)
I constantly forget picture day and crazy hair day, have to miss class presentations and concerts. We pick Satya up from after-care at 5:30 p.m., well after most other kids have already gone home. And that’s going to keep happening. This life is for all of us: for me, for my husband Agan and for Satya. We work, we work out, we have lives outside of being her parents and that’s important to us.
So Agan and I keep reminding ourselves that when we are together – breakfast and dinner daily, weekends, etc – we need to present. We try and put our phones away, no mindless scrolling, no random Insta videos. I think really being engaged in the time we have together helps with the whole guilt thing.
From mom guilt to the harsh realities of pregnancy, Raakhee stays hustling and working hard to help other mothers and kids truly see themselves! Be sure to check out Moneyish and delve into their helpful finance content ( resources are our jam!) and to get you and your little a copy of Super Satya Saves the Day!
Have a mama you love? To send in a feature consideration please #TSBMama and #MamaoftheMonth on Instagram or DM us!